three years
three years in the making
“Now God, who has made us, knows what we are and that our happiness lies in Him.”
If faith requires love and if love is defined as a deep trust and a willingness to become free of all inhibitions then I must conclude that, for some time, it was difficult to love.
When I was searching for a Sudoku book I confidently believed I own only to be disappointed and find a Kakuro book instead, I came across an old Moleskine that I used before I started studying the Bible. It was a bit crazy to read and to see the changes in my thoughts and in my desires as I rifled through the pages. But I must admit that I have some these same thoughts every now and again.
I’m still wanting. I’m still searching. I’m still yearning.
All these desires found a purpose.
They found a reason years before.
Journal entry (09/10/2012):
We would just wake up, live our lives, with everything handed to us at arm’s-length. On a silver platter, we’d find our voice, our truth, our world. But serve me on a paper plate. I am silent. I am sin. I am nothing. These walls that gave us security are closing in. These windows that gave us light are forcing us into the shadows. These monsters that hid under our beds are now sleeping in comfort next to us. We have become the thing we’ve feared the most…You can deny it for as long as you can. But how much further can you lie through those teeth? Purest in white; lost in darkness within.Struggling to find a reason and a purpose for the life I was living, it was what made sense at the time…to begin trying to understand who God is and what His plans for me are. Even though I was hesitant and didn’t really know what was in store, just opening up the Bible was the brilliant catalyst that determined who I was to become. I remember before making the decision to get baptized, I struggled to see if I could make it as a disciple in this world. Knowing my insecurities and my temptations; I asked myself, “Is it fair to promise something to God if cannot make it in the end?” To me, it would’ve been time wasted if I failed.
After a few days, I refused to succumb to the doubts in my head. I had to realize that the point was to believe, to repent, to get baptized, and to finally live, with a life promised to me according His unchanging Word.
So on May Thirtieth of 2013, I came out of the disgusting Charles River feeling refreshed and renewed (cold and wet with laundry to do).
Over the coming months, I had to force myself out of my comfort zone and forge friendships in order to survive. It was difficult to let go of my sense of self and to share my life with other people. I lived with a mentality of “no one else is worthy of my pain and no one else deserves my burdens except me." And this would challenge me to be more vulnerable and to be more open.
November Sixth of that same year, I spontaneously got up from a quiet time and went out to get my first set of tattoos: two equilateral triangles on both of my wrists. Before getting a tattoo one usually takes time to figure out what to get and where to get it done. But deciding on this moment actually did not take long. The delta symbol, signified by a triangle, means change. To me, it symbolized renewal and repentance. I had gotten them on both wrists because it was difficult to hide; it would be a constant reminder to renew my mind and to repent every single day. There was no doubt nor a question on my mind whether or not I will one day regret these tattoos since I chose a life with God which meant that I chose a life of constant repentance.
The following March, I got the phrase fides quaerens intellectum under my collar bone. Originating from Saint Anselm, the phrase means faith seeking understanding. My faith should not stop from when I had believed; it still requires work and persistent understanding. My love for God should not stop from when I had decided to give my life to Him; there is still so much to know about Him. And to seek a deeper knowledge of my faith is what my life should be about. That is how I marked my life when I came out of the water.
But even though I made this decision to follow God, it doesn’t mean I let Him into my life every single day.
Sometimes I forget about Him.
Sometimes I resent Him.
Sometimes I find myself angry with Him.
Sometimes I don’t live by His Word.
And sometimes I refuse to love Him.
Three years ago, I had found myself confidently saying these three words: “Jesus is Lord.”
And within three years with Him, there are times when I could not utter these three words: “I love you.”
Confusing and overwhelming moments filled with thoughts of not being good enough and getting lost towards aims of perfection, I only lost touch with God. I forgot what it meant to be forgiven and what it meant to be free. I trapped myself again within four walls, without windows, refusing to let any light in.
“A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.”
Two years in and I had lost my trust in Him. Out of self-reliance, stubbornness and bitterness, I could not find myself to be content with wherever God placed me in.
Among all those who are in motion and within all that is dark, I could no longer find the sun. I simply found my faith at a standstill, without progress and without growth.
For a while, I didn’t know how to face my own fears and my own needs because I was too preoccupied feeling for others and satisfying their needs.
I stopped reading the Bible.
I stopped praying.
I stopped letting anyone in.
In believing He no longer loved me, I stopped loving Him.
During this period of time, I let go of my relationship with God in order to salvage some sort of hope. I moved my life in an uncomfortable direction in justifying other people's feelings, in justifying what other people had believed to be the truth.
So instead of living in His truth, I decided to run away. At times, it was better to be empty and to feel numb of all the heavy load I would’ve been carrying. Rather than reminding myself of that night I went underwater to bury my old self, I forced myself back into the darkness instead. I forgot what it had meant to surrender to God.
In the summer of 2015, I had the opportunity to live like Jesus did, compassionate and selfless, serving the poor in the undeniably beautiful city of Budapest. These were 12 days I truly needed, to escape and to give back; to feel something inside that can inspire me to grow and to start wanting something again. With this, I took something back to Boston with me, what I assumed was a changed heart…that is what I needed in order to step forward towards the right direction.
Still I had a lot to change, a lot to uncover and rediscover. Growing in contentment, in vulnerability, and in trust were my main focus. To challenge myself in breaking down the four walls ⎯⎯ that was the toughest part during this time of my journey.
I’ve had thoughts of leaving behind God ⎯⎯ of walking away⎯⎯ BUT where else would I be heading towards? And would it be worth it?
I had to believe that the world will come up empty and the only constant and unconditional fill I can get is from God, not from the world I decided to leave behind 3 years ago.
I had to believe that it was okay to hurt. And to feel pain. That the difficult things are only temporary and somehow the dark clouds in my life will someday part and sunlight will shine on my face.I had to believe that it was fine to feel broken and that heartache is part of this journey. It was okay to lose touch with people and to let go of them because God has worked out a better plan for all of us.I had to believe it made sense to feel sadness and to be depressed. It was okay to cry and beg for more because joy has been promised to me. And I can be happy if I let myself be happy.I had to believe that loving God is more than simply recognizing Him. It requires surrender.I had to believe it was better to trust and to be vulnerable with the people in my life. To be open about the things I struggle with because these people, the ones I confide in, will guide me back on the righteous path.I had to believe that three years ago was the best day of my life.Even though I sometimes doubt and even though I sometimes run away, I have to believe that coming back to God every day is what’s best. It is what I have to do in order to be put back together. To be worth something.
So after three years, I still declare, "Jesus is Lord." And now I can easily say, "I love you."
