NUMBER THIRTY
THIRTY TRIPS AROUND THE SUN
PHOTO BY ELISE ORLOWSKI
Growing up is a never-ending seesaw — the teetering between the wanting to take pause and the needing to run.
Growing up is a frightening thing, no matter what others may say. It doesn’t have to be but truly there is no complete fearlessness. If there is, we are simply fooling ourselves.
Growing up is about contentment. The realization that we cannot control the things we want control over. We can only hope and wish that the next day is better than that the former.
Growing up is waking up from a night terror and sleeping in your parents’ bed.
Growing up is running without the finish line in sight.
Growing up is dancing to y2k music while on molly.
Growing up is a roadtrip and ignoring the need to pee.
Growing up is forgetting to eat until dinnertime.
Growing up is a drowning — further sinking as the light disappears.
Growing up is the sun allergy when basking in the sun gets too much.
Growing up is seven vodka red bulls and then waking up at six in the morning.
Growing up is taking flight and buckling up for that turbulence.
Growing up is the long winding hike and the worthwhile view from the top.
Growing up is closing your eyes at night and hoping you won’t wake up.
Growing up is learning to see yourself for the first time.
Growing up is the pit in your stomach, the heartache, the tears, the sleeplessness nights, the unwillingness —
Growing up is holding your breath.
And not knowing when you get to exhale.
It’s taken a while to exhale. And I’m still learning what that means. Thirty is about taking chances and learning not to regret them. It’s about forgiving yourself. It’s about the unknown and being okay with it. It’s about taking the load off and sitting back. It’s about taking charge and going along for the ride.
Growing up is not one thing. That’s the beauty and the tragedy in it.
My thirty means exhaling and breathing in freedom.
